Wednesday, 24 July 2013

It's Like A Pounding In My Brain.

I have got such a god-awful headache. I had it yesterday and the day before as well. I've tried not to aggravate it today by staying off my laptop and phone and not reading, but it's still there. I've been outside for fresh air, drank plenty of bottles of water and taken numerous paracetamol, but nothing seems to be helping. Every time I stand up or sit down my head swims and then throbs incessantly. Is this what a migraine is? I've never really had one before, so I don't know what it feels like. I have a sharp stabbing pain behind and in the middle of my eyes. It's fucking killing me here.

I haven't really done much today because of said headache, though I tried to walk the dog. It didn't go down so well because he's still jittery after the thunderstorms the other day and doesn't like going for walks now. I also cleaned the downstairs rooms of the house like mum asked me to and applied for another job, so we'll see how that goes.

It's far too hot and I'm in too much pain to want to do anything except lie on my bed and wish James was with me.

A man's just turned up at the front door to tell my Dad that his Auntie Eileen is in hospital because she's had a heart attack. We seem to be having a lot of bad luck in our family health-wise recently.

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

You Missed Your Favourite Line.

I had a job interview yesterday at Santander, the reason why I came back from James' so early. It was a massive joke. My mum didn't even ask me if I'd had a nice time before she started grilling me on the products that Santander offer. She didn't even wait until I was off the platform. Then when we got home she pulled out a new dress which she'd brought me for it, which was nice of her, but then she pulled out three booklets of possible interview questions and answers, that were all around 10 pages long. I'd just had a 4 hour journey, I just wanted to eat and sleep.

I went to the interview, sat down in front of this woman and left in less than three minutes. She only fucking asked me one question, 'why do you want the job?' She didn't even ask me if I had any previous telephone experience. Obviously, I didn't get the job.

All that I could have dealt with, to be honest I wasn't really expecting to get the job, but my mother just went insane. She does this thing where when you tell her that you didn't get the job she's all 'oh that's okay, I'm sure you'll get the next one ect', but then a couple of hours later, when she's had time to mull it over, she'll seek me out for a 'chat' and just let rip. She told me that she didn't want to support me anymore and if she took the money away I'd starve because I obviously don't have enough brain cells to rub together in order to get a job myself and that I'm not trying hard enough to get a job and that I'm a disappointment to her and that I'm eating away at her retirement fund and that she wished she'd had a daughter than wasn't me. So I said to her 'well why don't you stop giving me money for the rest of the summer then?' so that she could spend her money on what she wanted to, she started screaming about what an ungrateful little bitch I am and slapped me.

I rang around the local newspapers and council, hoping that they'd give me a job or let me just volunteer, but no such luck. She's not happy about it, I can tell, I'm just waiting for her to come upstairs and give me another lecture about how crap I am.

Then to make matters even worse, James is planning to buy me Harry Potter studio tour tickets for my birthday and take me on 13th August, when he and his mum have the day off so we can all go together. He'd suggested that I could possibly come down and stay for a while, rather than just meet up for the day as well, which would be amazing, I love staying with his family. However, when I mentioned this to my mum, so that she has some sort of guidance of my plans, she just immediately said no because she's planning a trip herself the week afterwards, so I couldn't possibly go and stay the week beforehand as it might ruin her plans.

I really really don't want to tell James this until I haven't got a choice, because I think if I acknowledge it I might just breakdown and cry.

Monday, 22 July 2013

Summer Holidays.

So I've just come back from my four days at James' and I had an absolutely brilliant time. Although he had to work a couple of hours most days, it flew by really quickly, so it was like he never went in the end. We had a bit of trouble finding our way home from the airport, but it was nice to just drive around in the sun, so it didn't really matter. Tuesday evening we went for a walk down to the beach and skimmed stones, or I tried to at least. Wednesday we went and checked out Adventure Island to see if we wanted to buy any tickets and then in the evening went to see Monsters University, which was hilarious, I'd definitely recommend it! When the film was over we headed down to Bobby Joe's American diner and had a really nice meal, James had chilli and nachos and I had chicken with BBQ sauce, bacon and cheese. It was awfully filling, we couldn't finish it in the end. Thursday we stayed in and just relaxed, which was nice 'cause I got loads of cuddles which I'd missed. Friday we went to James' old school with his friends to drop off a card to one of his old teachers that was leaving and then we all went into town and got ice cream and sat on the beach. Then James and I went to Adventure Island, got horribly sunburnt and sick from all the spinning rides, so we left and went to the arcades and got rid of all our 2p pennies on the 2p machines. Saturday we just stayed in again, mainly because we were sunburnt and James went to work at 12, so there wasn't really any time to do anything. In the evening we went to James' dad's birthday party, which was hilarious and then to his friends Anya's 21st birthday party, which was also hilarious. I really enjoyed myself and I'm happy because I think I made a better impression on his friends and family, because I was slightly drunk and consequently felt more confident in talking to them. Then yesterday we drove back to the airport and I came home. And if I cried a little bit on the train, then I was completely justified.

I already really miss him, it sucks to spend all your time with someone you love for such a short amount of time and then have to leave before you're ready to. It's like having your favourite meal placed in front of you and half way through it someone comes along and snatches it away from you. There were loads of things we wanted to do, but didn't get chance to because there wasn't enough time. And then I know I won't see him again for around another three weeks, which may not seem like a very long time to other people, but it fucking drags for me.

It's my birthday in 16 days and I'd love to spend it with James and my family, but I think everyone's working, so it's just going to be me home alone again.

Sunday, 14 July 2013

Why Didn't The World End?

The world should totally have ended last year, because the fucking world has gone to shit. Well, no I correct myself, the American government has gone to shit.

Now, don't get me wrong, I have nothing against America as a whole or the American citizens, I've visited America plenty of times on holiday and travelled to around 35 states now and I've found everyone I've come into contact with to be polite and friendly people. But seriously guys, get your shit together!

Firstly Texas has passed the abortion bill, which is just mind-boggling. People have this stupid idea that when a woman gets an abortion they are aborting a fully formed baby. Er, no. The aborted foetus is nothing more than the egg it would have been if the woman hadn't gotten pregnant and had her period, effectively killing the 'baby' just the same. Despite any of that, what right does any person have to dictate what another person does with their body? In that case I could go up to the US government and say, 'here's a bill that should be passed where men should be sterilized so that they can't make women accidentally pregnant and therefore not need abortions.' If that were suggested there would be a fucking uproar, whereas when a woman's rights are taken away most people just nod along and agree. I cannot believe we are still battling the same prejudices from the 19-fucking-20s. We constantly hear about how much our societies have changed for the better, but I see no difference.

It's exactly the same thing with the Zimmerman case. The white cop was found not guilty for shooting a black teenager because he 'felt threatened'. Fuck off did he. After being expressly told by his superiors to stay in his police vehicle, this guy got out of his car and followed the poor boy home because he 'looked suspicious'. How did he look suspicious? He was walking home from the corner shop after buying some snacks for Christ sake. He confronts the kid and shoots him in the head, unprovoked. His fucking lawyer started off the trial with a knock fucking knock joke, SUPER SERIOUS GUYS. The jury finds no one guilty of anything, except the poor kid is guilty of being black and therefore 'dangerous'. An 'accidental' death. I'm sorry, but how is getting shot in the head whilst being chased down, 'accidental'? You can get convicted of manslaughter is you build a shitty house that collapses and kills the people living there years after it was built. But this shitty cop can't get jailed for shooting an unarmed and innocent black kid? Yay for the advances of eradicating racism guys! It's totally working!

The world makes me so fucking angry.

Friday, 12 July 2013

Sketchy Wifi.

Ever since our BT Vision box was upgraded to the new system, our wifi has been awful. It just disconnects randomly or loses internet connection. I might ring them up at some point and be like this isn't the service I was expecting to receive. Show them who's boss and all that shibang.

Yesterday and today has been filled with shopping with my mum, so I cashed in two new tops, one a crop top made of silk with swallows on it and the other a black cotton t-shirt with gold studs on the shoulders. I do love them so. 

Tomorrow my dad and Tam are going into Birmingham to watch the athletics, which my sister is super excited about as she loves anything to do with sport. It sounds pretty boring to me, just watching people race, so mum and I aren't going. That means however, we have the whole day alone together and I don't think I can stand another shopping trip, shopping isn't one of my favourite activities as it is, I don't particularly want another day of it. I also imagine that if I say I want to stay at home and it's sunny we'll have to spend all day sunbathing, another activity which bores me after a while. I really don't understand the attraction of sunbathing, I just get so bored! It's not like you can sleep either, unless you want to wake up bright red.

It's only four days now until I go to James' and I'm so excited! Last time I went down, it was quite windy and grey so we didn't do much beach things, but hopefully the weather will hold out this time! The only thing I'm worried about is the train journey down, because I loathe travelling on trains, I always panic that I'll miss the stop or lose my luggage.

I have to say though, my tan is coming along pretty steadily.

Wednesday, 10 July 2013

The Pale Queen.

I'm so fed up at home. I'm on my own half of the time, with nothing to do except read, read and read. Not that there's anything wrong with reading, but sometimes, I just want a bit of a break. Then because I'm fed up and bored, I get annoyed and angry and then I take it out on other people. I'm pretty sure James is fed up with me now. I'm surprised he keeps talking to me at all really.

I spend a lot of my time now lying in bed trying to just chill out by either reading or just drifting, but all that ends up doing is taking my mind back to my paranoia and instead, I just spend the time thinking about things I don't want to. It's starting to drive me mad. Like literally, I have all these people around me that just won't leave me alone.

I had a horrible dream last night that the man from yesterday met me in Mosh and took me to an alleyway where he made me drink something from out his hip flask and then all of a sudden I was paralyzed and he was laughing at me. But he wasn't the man from yesterday anymore, he was someone else I know and I panicked and I couldn't breathe because he was strangling me and then I woke up gasping for breath. I couldn't get back to sleep for ages.

I had a bit of a panic attack earlier and in my efforts to call someone I flung my phone across the room. Thankfully it landed on my bed.

I'm also getting really pissed off at this supposed 'comment moderation' thing on here, because it obviously doesn't fucking work if these stupid ass comments I keep getting are anything to go by. I really can't not be bothered with them anymore, people are just fucking pussy-ass bitches, who are too scared to be known.

I just want to sleep forever and never wake up.

Tuesday, 9 July 2013

Guess Who, You Miss Me?

Today's been an okay day, it's been nice and sunny so I've been tanning the backs of my legs and trying in vain to tan my shins. My thighs are a golden brown but my shins are marshmallow white. Can anyone tell me why shins tan slower than thighs?

I went to a meeting at a job agency in hope for a Next job at 10am and shit kicked off down there. I got there early, around 9:40am and the lady who I was supposed to be meeting gave me a form to fill out so I can be registered to their database. So as I was sitting on these little sofas, filling out my form, a middle aged guy walks in. He smelt like he'd drowned himself in whiskey. Anyway, he also got himself a form to fill out and came and sat down next to me. After a few seconds he asked me if I had any cigarettes, which I didn't because I don't smoke. He was quiet for a little bit and then asked me 'do you want a tipple?' and pulled out a hip flask from his coat pocket. I politely declined his beverage and just tried to ignore him, because man, these forms are fucking important, I wasn't going to mess anything up. However, he wouldn't take no for an answer and was all 'oh come one, let's fuck off out of here, the stupid pricks don't know anything, I can show you a good time' and put his hand on my thigh pretty high up. Now I don't particularly like being touched by my family or indeed anyone I know, let alone a stranger when I'm only wearing shorts, so I told him to take his fucking hand off me right now and he ignored me, instead he decided to start rubbing my thigh whilst saying, 'aw don't be like that sweetheart, I'm sure we can have lots of fun.' So I got up and went over to the woman in charge and said 'excuse me, but this man is harassing me and making me feel uncomfortable.' She nodded at me in understanding, whether she'd heard what he was saying or something I don't know, but she went over and politely asked him to leave. He went bat shit crazy. He started flipping the sofas over and trying to smash the glass coffee table screaming about the corrupt government doing nothing for him and the unjust social system. Half of the women there were screaming and crying and the woman in charge shouted that she was going to call the police if he didn't go, so he started storming to the door and as he passed me he grabbed me by the arm and said 'come on babe, lets get out of here.' Well I naturally started struggling and telling him to get off, I could feel his long fingernails digging into my skin and none of the workers were making any attempt to help me, too terrified at the man's violent actions. So I bit him. I turned around and just bit him on the hand as hard as I dared to make him let go, which he did and he left, not before spitting on the floor. The receptionist was still crying, on the verge of a panic attack, so one of the women went over to her and tried to calm her down, whilst the rest of us started putting everything back. It was terrifying.

I went and brought myself a hot cranberry tea after I left, in order to get some sugar in me so I'd stop shaking. After that I went shopping and brought myself a new shirt and dress for £7. 

I feel better now I'm home though.